Chew Vigorously

Hexitol (from Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary) - any of the alcohols C₆H₁₄O₆ that have six hydroxyl groups in each molecule, are obtainable from the corresponding hexoses, and include some (as mannitol and sorbitol) occurring naturally.  
"Gum-chewing has been suggested as a method to stimulate bowel motility and shorten postoperative ileus after colorectal surgery. Patients chewing gum pass flatus, and have bowel movement, earlier than those having ordinary postoperative treatment, and have a lower incidence of postoperative complications. The mechanisms suggested in order to explain this phenomena are all centered in the action of chewing, that may act on cephalic-vagal stimulation of digestion, producing hormones associated with bowel motility, or as sham feeding, stimulating the motility of the duodenum, stomach, and rectum, or by stimulation of secretion of saliva, and pancreatic juices. Interestingly, no suggestions are made about the possible effects of the ingredients of these gums. Sorbitol and other hexitols are key ingredients in most ‘sugar-free’ chewing gums and candies. Ingestion of relatively small amounts of sorbitol causes gastrointestinal symptoms like gas, bloating, and abdominal cramps in a dose dependent manner. Therefore, the hypothesis suggested herein is that the content of maxitols in ‘sugar-free’ chewing gums may play a role in the amelioration of ileus after surgery, and should be added to the list of probable mechanisms involved in the observed phenomena."
I guess you'd have to start taking this stuff to notice that you're just pooing more.

Pimples at 27

So since I started this full-time job I've been hitting the McDonald's pretty hard.  It's just a short walk away from the office and really and truly, I love the Sausage & Egg McMuffin's greasy goodness.  But true to Morgan Spurlock's warnings, the MacDonos give you the zits; they started spawning on my face in week 4 and it resulted in a terrible weekend of hiding in my room.  So it can happen to you too, dear reader.  Try Alton at your own risk though.  I suggest you simply cut down on the fattening breakfasts.

I also started seeing some kind of neck fat expansion.  My beautiful visage has been damaged by my careless eating.  Looks like I need to head bang to work it off.  Too bad I don't have long hair anymore.  :|

John Wooden on true success

When Skinny Wasn't Popular

Girls, listen to this - yes, you can have some meat on your bones and be hot.  In fact, it's probably best to because Skinny Girls are NOT Glamour Girls.

Of course, this goes for the guys too.  But I don't listen to advice from comic books.  :P